How to Get a Killer Goggle Tan

by Greg Colquitt | March 3, 2022

If you don’t know what it is, you’ll know it when you see it.

And when you see it, you know you’ll want it because nothing says, “I’m wicked fast and I party” like a strong border between light and dark right through the middle of your face. Speed is, objectively, the name of the game, but the slopes reward a renaissance person–a one who can do it all. Like burn marks on a chef’s forearms that say “I cook a whole lot”, goggle tans tell the world that you are the complete package. Not only do you rip the mountain, you also take one of the most feared poisons in the galaxy–the sun–directly in the face. There is nothing that can hold you back.

If you’re new to goggle tanning, please review the comprehensive guide below to make sure you’re doing things right. You won’t want to mess this one up.

1. Always wear your goggles, constantly forever

Does Santa bring presents down the chimney unwrapped? Never. So why should you reveal your gift to the world until it’s time? Keep a secret a secret by wearing your goggles. It also insures that no rogue UV rays sneak under your perfect tan line. When it comes time to reveal your work, open the hatch and let the crowd be wowed. The element of surprise is critical to success.

Who knows what’s going on here.

2. Always ski only on sunny days–snow conditions are secondary

Powder day? Never heard of it. In the pursuit of goggle tan superiority, powder days will only set you back. Do yourself a favor and stick to bluebird days, make the après special a double, and have a seat on the patio. Goggles on with the face turned toward the sun will achieve bonus points in this scenario.

3. Never wear sunglasses

Remember the days before the cloud, when you could really lose your unsaved Word document? It’s junior year, and you poured your life into a paper only to find out you never hit CTRL+S before the program crashed. It’s a life altering mistake and so is putting sunglasses on before the season has ended. Don’t ruin your hard work. Reject the sunnies.

4. Never wear sunscreen (on your face)

Although this is not recommended for your health, sunscreen does the devil’s work of preventing a tan. For our intents and purposes, well, that’s a bad thing. The only thing worse would be sitting inside with a motorcycle helmet on. To avoid all this mess, reach for the olive oil instead of sunscreen next time you’re in the store. Your face will not only evenly brown, it will smell as spicy as your newly minted high-vis goggle tan.

Prodigious and dedicated work


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